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Diary from 2014 on Depression – What Depression Is Like

By Mikhaila

I wrote this after an argument with a friend where I was told having depression was basically whining.

August 20, 2014

You know what sucks? Arthritis. Pain. Multiple joint replacements. Weekly injections. Chronic pain. Not being able to run or do sports. You know what’s worse? Depression.

The depression I have feels like my close friend died last month and no matter what fun thing I do there’s still the underlying grief there, all the time. I can laugh at something but then I remember my friend died. I can party and smile, but then I remember that my friend died. It feels like a black, sticky, tar-like, heavy ball in the pit of my stomach. It makes me want to make the sound of crying without tears. It makes me want to punch walls. It makes me want to rip my hair out and scratch myself until I bleed. It makes me feel like there’s something in me I need surgically removed.

And the hypomania makes me feel like I could party and meet people for days. It feels like I can do anything. It feels like I’m the smartest person in the world and I know something other people don’t. I can’t stop moving my hands; I get tingly feelings in my body. And sometimes I can’t stop laughing. Hysterically. Sometimes I feel like this when I’m having a really bad time and then I’ll start laughing because the feeling of bad is so bad its funny. But the hypomania doesn’t happen often.

I don’t show people this because it’s none of their fucking business. I hide it as well as I can.

If my life were perfect, I would STILL be like this. But my life isn’t perfect, and nobody else’s is either, and any hardships I face are blown out of proportion. So if you think I’m making it worse by thinking about it, or if I didn’t drink, or if I slept better, or if I ate better, or if I exercised more, it would go away… FUCK. YOU. Fuck your, “if you did this it would probably help”. Fuck your, “you will not be depressed forever unless you choose to be “. Fuck your, “your victim persona gets tiresome” when I’m trying to explain what depression is like. Fuck your greater-than-thou point of view. But I’m still glad you don’t have depression. Because the best way to describe it is, “chronic pain in my soul” and I wouldn’t wish that on anybody.

(turns out changing the way I eat did make a difference…. BIG oops there)

Join the Conversation


  1. Hi. Great post, very honest for admitting the ironic outcome. Your diet helped you so much.
    However, when people say “eat well, get some sleep, change your attitude”, they say it because they simplify some mental illness as problem of will power, Not because they truly reconize the severity of it and the possibility of treatment in lifetyle changes that are very specific.

    1. Yeah exactly. And this wasn’t a “eat less pizza and you’ll be fine” cure. It’s much more complicated than that. Thanks for the kind words 🙂

  2. Depression basically sucks you of your will to live, and it’s shitty because we’re only here for a finite amount of time. Far too many people take advantage of depression symptoms and undermine the real and physical suffering the severely clinically depressed go through. I’d wager most people who say they are depressed, are feeling temporarily blue.

    It sounds like you have BPII with your hypomania. After your diet change, has it helped alleviate your hypomanic symptoms?

    1. Yes! I do think it was BPII but honestly, the depression part was so much worse than the hypomania that I didn’t really bother calling it that. The diet’s fixed everything.

  3. I appreciate so much you’re coming forth and talking about depression. While my severity is probably not like yours WAS, it was debilitating to say the least, painful and making me a totally nonproductive person. It was the raising of my kids that forced me to keep going and when crying came on would go hide somewhere. Life is an act. I am SO following you and your dad’s diet…DAY 2.

    1. Well i don’t want to try and write a lot since you are the better writer.
      I just appreciate you describing it ,maybe the public will appreciate as well knowing about it.
      Because even though I have lost close ones in my Life ,your description is still so spot on.
      And then it is like back to knowing something is wrong ,what…as if you have lost someone

  4. The part about wanting to rip your hair out and scratch yourself until you bleed really resonated with me. I remember feeling the EXACT same thing. It’s like the rage and despair of thinking “I’ll always be this way” is so great, and the desperation to not feel that pain anymore is so great, that you get the overwhelming urge to destroy yourself.

    I am so glad that we both seem to be doing much better now. Thank you for sharing.

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